


The murder of Alexander Bennet

by Pebblesong7



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Prostitution, Angst, Army, Character Death, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Drug Addiction, Hurt Jay Halstead, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Jay Halstead Whump, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Prostitution, Rangers, Rape/Non-con Elements, Swearing, Underage Drinking, Underage Rape/Non-con, Vomiting, Whump
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-19 05:49:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29621559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pebblesong7/pseuds/Pebblesong7
Summary: When Jay is involved in a murder investigation, he can only hope that the intelligence team will actually be able to help him. Prostitution AU where Jay never joined the intelligence unit.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 42





	1. Enter stage Jay Halstead

**Author's Note:**

> Head's up, this story involves dark themes and a lot of Jay whump. Please read the tags.

When he was seven, some people broke into Jay’s house. He had been downstairs at the time, having snuck past his parents room and down the obscenely loud stairs so that he could fill up his glass of water. That was when he noticed that the door was open, and his father had shouted at him last time he left it open, so he was sure it wasn’t him. It couldn’t be Will either, perfect Will would never do something so stupid. And it couldn’t be his mummy, she was in the hospital again, she spent a lot of time there lately. It could have been his father, sometimes daddy left the door open when he had been drinking with his loud friends, and once he woke up he would come and tell Jay off for not closing the door when he came inside. But his daddy was asleep upstairs, and he wasn’t seeing his loud friends until tomorrow, so it must be someone else. 

The young boy wanted to be brave, like Spiderman was in the comic book that his mummy brought home from the hospital last week. Spiderman was never scared, but when he heard the squeaky cabinet under the sink open Jay was so scared that he was shaking. When his teacher, Mr Heston, stopped coming to school, his mummy told him that Mr Heston was a very bad man, and that he was taken away by some real life heroes because he had been sneaking into people’s houses when he wasn’t invited. Jay suspected that these people, who were in his house without invitation, were probably very bad people too. 

He remembered her asking him whether Mr Heston had ever asked Jay to do anything alone with him, which confused him a lot because Mr Heston had always told him that it was a secret when they did things alone together, but you weren't allowed to lie to your parents. She had been very worried though, so he said no, and that made her happy. She told him that he wasn’t allowed to ever ever ever go anywhere alone with someone he didn’t know, so when the people in his house shattered another window, he didn't follow them. 

Jay had crept upstairs, and he considered waking up his daddy, but he remembered what happened last time he woke his daddy up and decided not to. He couldn’t sleep all night, so scared the strange people would come back, so he was wide awake when his daddy started yelling. His dad came into his room, slamming the door as he went, and told him that he had to stay in Will’s room until he came to get them. 

In the end it wasn’t his daddy who came to get them, it was a police officer, just like the ones that he was on the TV. She was very nice to him and Will, even when Jay told her that he had been downstairs, and she told him that he had been very clever to not try and go after them. She called him very brave. After she had left, Will told their daddy what they both said, his daddy had not agreed. Jay decided that he wanted to be a police officer when he was grown up, so that he could be as nice as she was, a real hero just like the ones who took away Mr Heston. 

When he was 14, Ben was raped and murdered. Jay and his then girlfriend Jess were the ones who found him, they had only just gotten back from their first proper date to McDonalds. The door had been kicked in, splinters of wood scattered across the kitchen floor, and there, on the far side of the table, was Ben. Jay would never forget Jess’ scream of horror when they realised he was dead, not that he would forget his own either. They had both sat outside in shock until her parents came home from the store, and they called the police. With retrospect, Jay probably should have done that himself, but at the time he had been so scared that he couldn’t stop his trembling for long enough to use the phone. 

After that, Jay would check the door was locked every time he left the house, otherwise someone else might die. At first it was just the door, but then he had to check twice, then three times, then the windows needed to be checked too. He knew it was irrational, but he couldn’t stop himself, even when he had to turn the lights on and off again and again so that his family wouldn’t die. Will was the only one who seemed to care, but he left so his opinion didn’t really matter anyway. 

When Jay was 16, his mother got cancer again. This time it was very bad, worse than before. Will had gone to college a while ago, and he didn’t say when he was planning on coming back, so Pat was angrier than ever. It wasn't perfect Will’s fault, of course it wasn’t, and without his mother there to calm him down Jay spent the better part of his time finding creative ways to hide the most recent bruise. When he heard about how you could join the army, and if you did you were able to go somewhere entirely new, Jay was very interested. It's not like he was doing much good at home anyway. 

When he joined up, he wondered whether he had made a mistake. There was so much going on and he didn’t know anyone, he was more scared than ever. How could he triple check the door of a tent? That was when Mouse came in. Jay thought that Mouse was possibly the smartest person in the world, and he didn’t mind Jay’s ‘quirks’, if anything he understood them. Mouse had some unusual quirks himself, he wasn’t as good at people as he was with computers, he would be furious whenever anyone moved his things, and he tended to get in trouble for answering the sergeants rhetorical questions. Jay did his best to understand Mouse too. 

By the time he was 18, Jay was more at home with his family in the army than he was at home. His unit understood him, they didn’t need words to be able to communicate. After Mouse, Daniels was probably his best friend, sneaking alcohol into their tent so that they could all have some fun. He always said that if they were old enough to die for their country, it only seemed fair they could drink too. Jay wasn’t so sure that he was right, but what 18 year old is going to turn that down. 

When he got the news that his mother was going to die, he waited for two hours for the meeting to allow him to go home. They took a whole week to decide that he could go, taking so long that by the time he actually got off his flight, he was too late. Jay spent the night at his old home, alternating between holding the stuffed rabbit his mother brought him for his first day of school and crying. He stayed for the funeral, it was the least he could do after all, but Pat made it clear that after that he was never allowed home again. Jay cut his leave short. 

When he was 23, the convoy was attacked. Jay couldn’t remember a huge amount of what happened. He remembered the explosion and a stabbing agony in his right eye, he remembered dragging Mouse to safety, he remembered hiding behind the shell of the convoy that was acting as a mortuary for his rotting unit. Then, he remembered being given an ‘honorary discharge’, after all he couldn’t be in the army with a missing eye, and then he and Mouse were shipped off back home. 

They had both sat in the vacant bus station back in Chicago for several hours, just staring ahead. For Jay, the painkillers that he was given for his eye were a blessing, they stopped the internal pain and the external. Even after the agony stopped keeping him up all night and he got a glass eye as a ‘gift’ from one of his old commanders, he didn’t stop taking the pills. Soon enough he couldn’t stop, he couldn’t stop most things that happened to him now. 

Pretty soon, Jay had been fired from every job he could get. If it wasn’t the addiction, it was the flashbacks. The worst by far was when he finally got the interview with the police that he had always dreamed of. He had put on his best clothes, practiced his most pleasant smile and walked in with his head high, even when the interview started half an hour late. The guy, Sergeant Jenkin’s was an asshole, he looked at Jay with complete disdain and barely even looked up from his phone. It was the closest to tears that Jay had been since his mother had died, the sheer frustration had been unbearable. Even his father had never been able to ignore him so well, he had almost wished for the smack that normally came with the silence. Of course, he didn’t get the job and he wasn't so sure that he cared about being a hero anymore.

By the time he was 24, he found himself living on the streets. Needless to say, life wasn’t going so well for him, but he was glad that Mouse had been able to find his feet, even if it was only a shitty office job. He had tried his best to stay in contact, but when he hadn't been able to get a room in a shelter for the night and his phone had been stolen he had to admit that he would have to call it a day. Days merged together, some vanishing altogether in a haze of opiates and sleeping on a cold floor, it was hard to say whether the cold was better or worse than the hunger, he supposed it didn’t matter anyway. 

It was around about this time when Vince showed up. Jay had been so cold that he didn’t think he would ever feel his toes again, when a pair of huge arms dragged him up and into the casino. He was pretty sure he was about to get stabbed until he was shoved to the floor in front of Vince. Jay didn’t think that Vince was actually this guy's name, this guy was all hard muscle and crewcuts, piercing blue eyes and rough calloused hands. He didn’t seem like a Vince, but that's what he asked Jay to call him, so Vince it was. Vince had given him a roof over his head, access to clean water and food. Jay had almost wept when he realised that the radiator was actually functional, and Vince was the first man to treat him with any kindness since he had come home, and all he asked in return was for some help. 

Jay had followed Vince like a lost puppy when he was told, and he was introduced to Mr Grey. Mr Grey was quite a lot like Vince, only he had a cold king of hunger in his eye. Vince explained that if Jay wanted to be able to stay there, then he would need to help people like Mr Grey, help them relax if he caught their drift. He understood that Jay considered himself to be heterosexual, but servicing the men was double the pay. Vince had been so kind to him, and this life was so much better than what he had, so to hell with it right?

And that's how Jay became one of Vince’s favorite boys. It took some work but he fixed up his physique, all muscle and attractive features. It didn’t pay much, certainly it didn’t pay enough for Jay to try and go out looking for Mouse, but it was enough for him to be able to save up for a phone, one of the $20 stolen ones from the broken down store on the corner. At first it had been alright, but Jay was the type to take his work quietly, and some of the more rough clients enjoyed that. But still, Vince promised him that if he worked hard enough, he would be rewarded, so it would surely be worth it in the end. He didn’t care to pay too much attention to these rewards, but he liked that they often came with some of the good cookies from the store. 

For a long time, Jay’s life was a mix between the casino and visiting clients in their apartments, or whatever hotel room they booked. Sometimes there was a quick visit to the hospital, keeping his head down and never saying too much, but most injuries could be fixed at home. It was in doing this that he met Mr Alexander Bennet. 

Mr Bennet was a real piece of shit, that's what the nice ones would say. He was a large man, always followed by the reek of cigarette smoke and cheap perfume from whatever whore he could get at the street corner that didn’t know enough to fear him. He had never even heard of a shower it seemed, his blond hair covered with a thick coat of grease. At the casino, the workers would hide from him behind whoever they could encourage into a room for a cheap session. Those who were lucky never got him more than once, and Jay was not one of those lucky ones. 

Mr Bennet liked them young, he always said, and Jay had the misfortune of a “baby face” as Vince called it. On Jay’s first time with him, he was tied down with barbed wire and beaten within an inch of his life. He was practically waterboarded by the ice water that was thrown on him. He couldn’t get out a safeword even if he had one through his moans of agony and Mr Bennet's grunts of pleasure, paired with sharp slaps everytime he moved too much. Mr Bennet liked them cold and still, quiet. He liked to watch the light leave their eyes. It was only when Jay was in the hospital afterwards that one of his fellow whores that she told him the truth. Apparently he had been accused several times of sexually abusing any child unfortunate enough to cross him, especially his own kids. His daughter Sarah had supposedly been raped for 15 days straight after she had passed. He had never been convicted, but Jay didn’t doubt for a second that any of it was true.

About a month later, after Mr Bennet had gotten one of the newbies at the casino, Jay had spent a full day vomiting after he came across the body. He had thought that Ben was the worst thing he had ever seen, but at least Ben had been killed quickly. 

He hoped that he would never have the misfortune of ever seeing Mr Bennet again, but nobody cared about whores. The police didn’t care to take a second glance at the casino, after all it was none of their business. It was especially not the business of Sergeant Prescott, who Jay had serviced on more than one occasion, and as Jay was reminded every time, he had never met Mr Prescott. As such, it wasn’t long before Mr Bennet was back on the prowl, and would you look at that. It was Jay’s turn to draw the short straw.


	2. Good Riddance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Bennet gets what he deserves, time for the team to get involved, and they are as gentle as ever.

The hotel for the day was up there as one of the worst that Jay had been in, and that's saying something. When Mr Bennet had opened the door there were so many cockroaches that a decent amount didn’t even feel the need to be threatened. Jay was pretty sure they were some kind of evolved form that would be able to take on a grown man and win. The wind made the broken window rattle and whistle, the few slats that remained of the blinds clattered against the frame. The sound was like broken bones. 

The room was not nearly as unpleasant as the man who was renting it. Mr Bennet’s breathing was raspy and disconcerting, and Jay wondered whether he would at some point choke. A sinister part of him hoped that he would. Jay stood by the door on shaking legs, considering whether whatever punishment he would receive from Vince could possibly be worse than what the man before him would do. Mr Bennet had barely said a word since he had rented Jay, and he didn’t start now as he patted the bed with a sultry glance at the younger man. Jay forced his legs forward, the door closing behind him to seal his fate, until he reached the bed and cautiously lowered himself onto it. A sweaty, clammy hand snaked its way firmly around his wrist, and Jay forced himself to not flinch, instead putting on a practiced neutral expression. 

The hand was replaced with the bond of choice, which today was barbed wire, a firm favorite of Bennet’s. Jay wasn’t sure he would be able to bear it again, he still had the scars from the last time, but the drugs he had taken beforehand were taking a mercifully long time to work through his system. Jay had always been one to take his pain in silence, and so silent was how he stayed as he was pushed down firmly onto the dust covered bed, his hands tugged roughly above his head. The spikes were already digging in, and as Bennet forced his legs apart to bind them to the bedposts Jay closed his eyes and tried to imagine that he was somewhere else. Rotten breath washed over his face as Bennet crawled over him, a slick smile covering his face. 

“We’re gonna have some fun today princess.” Bennet licked his lips, and pulled out a knife, softly trailing it down Jay’s throat, before he slashed through his clothes. Jay was relieved he had brought some spares today, normally he would request that he be able to take his clothes off before any bondage started but he didn’t dare think of the consequences of speaking to Bennet without permission. A hand pressed down on Jay’s throat, cutting off his airway, and Jay tried not to struggle as panic built in his throat. Bennet didn’t lift the pressure as he kissed Jay’s lips, running his free hand down the bound man’s straining abs. Without warning the soft touches turned to claws as he dug his fingers into Jay’s ribs, and he couldn’t stop his flinch. He immediately knew he made a mistake as the touching stopped. 

The hand lifted and he gasped for air, coughing roughly, before his face was shoved roughly to the side by a sharp slap. It was followed by a hard blow to the gut, then to the ribs, then to the thighs, eventtually coming down like rain. Jay tried to hold back a scream of pain as they got firmer, his captor was not so controlled.  
“YOU THINK YOU CAN SPEAK? YOU FUCKING SLUT I WILL TELL YOU WHEN YOU CAN FUCKING SPEAK,” spit sprayed from his mouth as his rage continued. “I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU YOU FUCKING SLUT WHORE BITCH.” Jay couldn’t hold back a low wail as the pain overtook him, and he was sure he felt a rib crack. 

The hand was slapped back down over his throat again, and Jay involuntarily struggled. All the air had left his body after the wail, and consequences be damned he wished he could do it again. He wished he could scream until the pain stopped. The barbed wire tugged at the skin around his wrists, blood running in rivulets down his arms. With a rough thrust and no preparation, Bennet entered him with a groan of pleasure, seemingly forgetting about the strangled man under him. Jay was on the brink of passing out, possibly from the lack of air, possibly the pain, but in the nick of time the hand lifted. He didn’t have the strength to cough again.

He felt a tearing sensation under him, followed by a rush of wetness, his femurs almost bending under the weight of the man over him. Silent tears of agony streaked down his cheek, but no noise could escape his bruised throat. Jay was relieved. He was vaguely aware that Bennet had never put on a condom, and he pushed the thought out of his head before he could panic more. Vince had very few rules, the only ones he even vaguely enforced was to not kill the whores and to use a condom. Jay was sure that both were about to be broken today. A small glimmer of sick hope passed through him at the thought, at this point in his life death would be a blessing. 

Bennet was very vocal as he finished, and he slunk off the body underneath him, not caring to take steps for Jay’s comfort. The man lit a cigarette, looking with vague interest over at Jay, before holding the lit flame by Jay’s side. Even when it made direct contact for a second, Jay forced himself to stay still and just weep silently. Bennet nodded with approval.  
“You’re learning boy.” The last word was spat out. Another smack across the face broke Jay’s lip, wrenching his head to the side, and Bennet was furious again. “SPEAK WHEN YOU ARE SPOKEN TO BOY.” Jay had no idea what he was supposed to say, so he just let out a hopeless sob, ready to die. Bennet stepped away, back to Jay. The feeling of blood slickening his thighs made him feel sick, and he couldn’t help but wonder whether the wire would allow him to turn enough to not choke. 

To his surprise, the wire was cut suddenly, releasing a confused Jay’s hands. He looked at Bennet, waiting for the next blow to come, but the larger man just looked bored. “Get up and go, I’ve got a meeting in a minute. And clean this place up, you’ve made a mess.” Jay was stunned, but he didn’t dare delay his movements. Bennet didn’t like to ask twice. He released his legs from the wire, silently slipping into the bathroom with his bag, hoping Bennet wasn’t playing a sick trick on him. 

Grabbing toilet paper and a spare pair of underwear, he did his best to make a makeshift bandage. Now that some of the adrenaline was starting to wear off, the pain was really starting to make itself known. Had he planned ahead rather than staring blankly at a wall, contemplating his fate, he would have brought some painkillers, and something stronger than painkillers. His glass eye felt slightly uncomfortable, presumably from the crying. For the most part he could forget it was there, and then some fucker would displace it slightly with a punch. Thinking about it being there made him uncomfortable, sometimes it made him feel like he was the villain out of a TV show, and he was grateful that for the most part he could forget about it, especially with the good drugs. 

He was shaken from his thoughts by a sudden bang at the door, and Jay’s heart jumped into his throat. He peeked out the door, wondering whether he should try and leave, through the door or window he wasn't picky. He wasn’t wearing anything except his underwear but he had made it through worse. A sharp grunt from Bennet made him jump, and if he didn’t know any better he would say that the devil was scared. The older man shook his head, and Jay slipped back into the bathroom. He didn’t dare make a noise, not even putting his clothes on. Through the door he could hear hushed tones, but not specific words, and he decided that he was better off not hearing whatever it was. 

A bang made him jump almost out of his painful skin. He knew a gun when he heard one, call it one of the perks of the army, and he wondered whether he was having a flashback. A loud thump, followed by another bang made him sure he wasn’t going to try and find out. Instead he focused on keeping his breathing as silent as possible. Footsteps creaked as whoever it was made their way around the room, pausing just outside the door. Jay was sure they would hear his heartbeat, he was too scared to even breathe or move. Finally, the steps moved away, and the door slammed. 

Jay didn’t breathe again until there were spots dancing across his eyes. He didn’t so much as swallow for the next few minutes, waiting for the door to slam open. When it didn’t, he cautiously poked his head out. He gasped. 

Bennet was ominously still on the ground, and Jay could see a dark smudge underneath him. Blood dripped from his nose onto the old carpet, and his eyes were glazed and unblinking. Jay didn’t know how long he sat there staring, but he was sure that Bennet was dead. He crawled on his hands and knees over to the body, and a quick check of the pulse confirmed his suspicions. The scent of copper permeated the room, whether his own or Bennet’s, Jay didn't know. He made a much quicker return to the bathroom, vomiting painfully into the toilet through his bruised ribs. 

Pulling himself together, he shoved the rest of his clothes on, only as an afterthought grabbing the cellphone peeking out of Bennet’s pocket. His own was back at the casino, so with trembling fingers he typed in 911. He was in soldier mode right now, barely hearing his rough voice as he told the operator about what had happened. Too many thoughts meant too many emotions, so he didn’t think at all as he ran out of the room, only pausing to keep an eye out for any guns. 

Jay didn’t hear anymore about it after that day. He told Vince of course, and it wasn’t long before the rest of the whores found out. He suspected that some of them thought that he had done it, he could tell as much by the gratitude in their eyes, he almost wished that he had. One of the older girls, Ivy, had helped him with his wounds, and he was grateful to have avoided any infections. If nothing else, Vince was careful to ensure none of his product had any STD’s, it was bad for business after all. The marks would stay for a while though, but Vince had been kind enough to give him a day to recover. He had gotten good at not thinking about these things too much, so as long as the drugs kept coming and he didn’t think too much, he would be fine. 

He was on his first day back, when Vince called him over. Next to him was a good looking man. He was older, white flecking his facial hair, a green beanie covering likely thinning hair. His eyes were kind, and when he spoke his voice was soft. Jay didn’t trust him, the good looking ones were always the worst. If they were willing to come here, that meant no normal person was willing to give him what he wanted. Nevertheless, Jay smiled through the bruised eye and split lip, doing his best to give a wink. One of Vince’s employees introduced them.  
“This right ‘ere is one of our best sir, I ‘ope ya can look past that eye, ‘e’ll be worth ya time sir.” The man looked him up and down, with an almost sadness in his eyes. Vince nodded beside him.  
“We only give the best here.” The man nodded.  
“Alright, you’ve got yourself a deal.” With that, Vince gave an award winning smile, and patted Jay on the back. Taking the hint, Jay stepped forward.  
“How can I be of service today Sir? We have lovely room’s upstairs, but if those aren’t to your liking I am easy to transport.” The man gave him a soft smile before he spoke.  
“I have a place in mind, please, follow me.” A final glance at Vince to confirm payment, and Jay followed the man out. He was led to a nice car, far more than he could ever afford, and he hesitated outside. After last time he was cautious to never so something that could be misconstrued as cocky, and the man gave him a nod. 

Once they were settled, the gentleman began to drive. The silence was thick, so Jay put on his most sultry voice.  
“What may I call you sir?”  
“Uhh… Just Alvin is fine, is it alright if I call you Jay?” Jay almost laughed at the question, his name hardly mattered to most men. This must be one of those roleplay types, probably a couple fantasy of some kind.  
“Of course Mr Alvin sir,” he put on the pleasant smile again, “this is a lovely car, it's the 50’s model right.” Alvin nodded approvingly, not taking his eyes from the road. That was another good sign, someone who cares about his own safety is less likely to do something risky that might get them in trouble. Of course it was still possible he was one of those organised killers that he heard about every now and then. The man didn’t have the feel of one of those, but Jay was cautious anyway. “Am I to do anything special for you today sir?” He kept his tone as polite and proper as possible, this seemed like a man who valued intelligence.  
“Uhh, not really.” Alvin flicked on an indicator and pulled into the parking lot of one of the hotels. It was one of the nicer ones in the area, it even had working phones last time Jay came by. The staff were also quicker than some to respond to screaming he had been told. Big spender, eh? 

Once Alvin had parked, they exited the car. Jay slipped his phone into his small bag, he had been careful to bring it with him lately, despite the rules. Alvin wasted no time at the counter, heading down the hall and to the right, pulling out his key as he went. Jay followed, passively noting where the exits were, an old army habit. As they entered the room, Jay took a moment to assess the area, everything was orderly and it smelled clean, Alvin was likely only here for this purpose. Despite that, Jay couldn’t help feeling like he was being watched. 

Hiding his discomfort, he placed his bag by the door, moving to help Alvin slip his coat off before he was waved away by the older man. An independent guy, good to know. Jay slipped his own coat off, keeping his eye open for any sign of disapproval. He kept Alvin to his left as he did, not willing to risk his blind spot being left open. The man was passive though, slightly tensed at the shoulders but not in any way that made Jay feel he was at risk.  
“Where would you like me Alvin?” He gestured to the bed, smoothing the cheap covers with his hands, raising his hands to undo the top button of his shirt. “It’s warm in here, I hope I don’t have to stay in these hot clothes.” It was a pornesque line, but the man’s silence was making him anxious. Silence hadn't been so good for him lately. When he still got no response, he rose again and trailed his hand down Alvin’s chest. He moved slowly, flinching away when Alvin’s eyes hardened for a moment. Jay’s hand had been trailing to his waistband, and Jay noticed a bulge there. This man had a gun. 

Keeping his face passive, he moved toward his bag. It wasn’t unusual for a client to be packing, but when they were being secretive about it an abundance of caution never went amiss. Alvin watched him like a hawk. There was something familiar about that look. With a beat, Jay knew what it was, this wasn’t his first time a cop had tried it on with him. Normally they needed to see money exchange hands but with Vince as the middleman Jay supposed he needed to see sexual intent before he could be arrested. With that in mind, he made his way over to the lamp, not breaking eye contact, and a quick feel confirmed his suspicions. He pulled the recording device off the fabric, and for a moment Alvin’s face was unreadable. 

Then the gun was out. This was going worse than their normal stings Jay had to admit, and he raised his hands slowly. Surely a cop wouldn’t shoot him whilst he was being recorded? The door of the bathroom slammed open, and a ginger haired man barreled out with his gun raised, a manic kind of excitement in his eye. Jay had seen that look in the new ranger recruits, this guy must be pretty new. He was followed by an older man, probably the same age as Alvin, with grey hair and a hardened glare. Jay was pretty sure he had started sweating at some point. The grey haired man spoke.  
“Keep your hands where I can see them.” His voice was rough and low, and he had a sort of demanded authority vibe about him. 

The ginger man had moved into his blind side, and Jay turned slightly to keep him in sight. The young man tensed at this, letting out a growl.  
“Don't even think about moving.” He didn’t have that same authority but he did have a gun, so Jay froze. Silently, Alvin pulled out a pair of handcuffs and pulled Jay’s hands behind him.  
“I knew you were a kinky one.” Jay couldn't help joking. The other men lowered their guns when Alvin patted him down quickly, hands not straying beyond reasonable areas, a nice change. The handcuffs were rough against the scrapes on his wrists. 

“We need to talk to you,” the gruff man spoke again, “where were you two nights ago?” Jay swallowed, not sure what the best approach was here.  
“I was working, Mr…” he looked suggestively at the man.  
“My name isn’t any of your business, now where were you? Because I have some camera footage suggesting that you were with Alexander Bennet when he was murdered.” Jay flinched at the name. No point lying then it seemed.  
“I don’t know anything about what happened, I swear.” He could tell by their expressions that they didn’t believe him.  
“Al, take him back to the station.” Jay tried to argue back but he was whipped out the room before he could get the words out. On the way he didn’t try to fight back, it would do more harm than good.  
“Aren't you meant to tell me why i’m being arrested?” Alvin stayed silent. “Come on man I don’t know shit I told you!” Still silence. Jay knew a man that wouldn’t talk when he saw one, so he didn’t bother again. 

Jay was dragged out the car when they reached the precinct, barely given time to balance himself before the ginger man was pushing him forward. The precinct itself seemed nice enough, it was well lit, if a little cramped. The guard at the front desk looked grim, she had the exact look that his father used to give him when he came home with another bloody nose. Jay didn’t have much time to take it all in before he was propelled up a staircase and pushed through a gate. The upper floor was a little more messy. The desks were separate, some messy some not, and he was yanked to a halt by one of them. He didn’t make a sound as the metal dug in again, reopening some of the cuts. A good looking latino man chastised the ginger man.  
“Ruzek, stop shoving the poor kid.” His tone was slightly dismissive but at least he was somewhat treating Jay like a human.  
“Sorry Tony, I forgot you’re so gentle with murderers.” Jay let out a disbelieving huff.  
“Murder? I thought you needed evidence for that.” The only answer he got was a rough shove again. This continued all the way into the interrogation room, much to Jay’s irritation. The Ruzek guy uncuffed him to move his hands to the table, only pausing when he saw the blood. Jay rolled his eyes. “Just cuff me man, I don't have all day.” Ruzek abided. 

By his count, Jay had been in the interrogation room for roughly four minutes when the grey haired man came in, followed by a much more beautiful woman. Jay would daresay she was possibly one of the most attractive women he had ever seen, warm eyes and flaxen hair that flowed to her shoulders. A hand slammed down on the table and he jumped. Fine, he guessed the grey haired man was pretty attractive too, all things considered, perhaps a little old for him but he had good features. That personality though, that wasn’t so pretty. A picture was shoved under his nose. 

“Recognise him?” The picture was of Bennet, just as Jay had last seen him before he had run out of the hotel. Jay looked away, swallowing down the bile that rose in his throat and pushing the dark memories back into the deepest recesses of his mind. The old man didn’t seem to appreciate his efforts, a hand forcefully grabbing his chin and pulling his face back forward. A pang of humiliation and anger almost ripped its way out of him, but he pushed that back down too. This man didn’t seem like the type to take kindly to insults, and Jay was still healing from what Bennet had done. “We’ve got security footage showing that you came in at the same time, funny how only you left, huh. I could arrest you here and now for murder, but i’m feeling friendly today so i’m gonna give you a chance to tell me what happened.” The man moved forward in his seat, almost looking sympathetic. “I’ve heard a lot of rumours about Mr Bennet here, if it was self defence we might be able to work something out.”

His bedside manner could certainly be worked on, but Jay didn’t see much point in lying to the man. Jail did have some perks, in fact it was probably one of the places where his skillset might come in handy, but Jay didn’t fancy losing what few freedoms he had.  
“I didn’t kill him.” He tried to keep his voice steady, not making eye contact.  
“What was that? You’re going to have to speak up.” The woman rested a hand on the man's arm, sharing a look that Jay couldn’t quite read. With a final glare, the man rose and strutted out the room. There was a beat of silence.  
“Well he seems nice, is he like that with everyone or is it just me?” Jay quipped. The woman let out a light laugh, a flicker of a smile ghosting her face. Jay decided that he liked her, she hasn't said much but she wasn’t giving him that look that the others did and she smelled better than everyone at the casino.  
“You’ll have to excuse Voight, he likes to go in hard.”  
“I bet he does, I have an ex just like him.” With a bit more seriousness. “I didn’t kill anyone I swear. There was someone else, I was in the bathroom and then there was this guy, I mean I don’t know if he was a guy but I think he was he had guy steps you know what i'm saying? I didn’t see shit I was trying not to have a heart attack.” he was rambling but he hoped she got the point. 

The woman held up a hand.  
“Hey, it's okay I believe you.” Her voice was soft and husky. “The security footage showed another person, we couldn’t see their face but…” she trailed off. “We just need your help, whoever this guy is he is dangerous, and until we know why he did this Chicago isn’t safe.” She sat up straighter, more serious. “Can you think of anyone who would want to kill Alexander Bennet?” Jay almost laughed.  
“I think most people would want to kill him if i'm entirely honest with you. Mr Bennet was pretty well known, and not for good reasons. He liked them young, you know what i’m saying. And he liked them dead too, or as dead as they could be without getting him caught.” The bile was back. “Nobody liked Mr Bennet.”

Her gaze flitted over his scarred wrists.  
“Those look like they're about two days old, I'd say, were those a gift from Mr Bennets?” Jay nodded.  
“He uhh, he liked to use barbed wire to, you know, hold us in place whilst he had his fun.” His voice had lost its hard edge, he felt a slight tremor in the fingers. He wasn’t sure whether maybe he was just on the comedown or whether he was nervous, but he didn’t like feeling so vulnerable. The woman blinked kindly.  
“I’m assuming he’s done far worse than that?” Jay nodded again.  
“Far worse to far younger. I don’t know who it was but I would say they have done Chicago a service.” The woman didn’t say anything, but the spark in her eye was familiar.  
“Excuse me.” She left too. 

Jay sat in silence for a few minutes, just thinking. He could feel the beginning of tears and the back of his eyes, and for a moment he let himself feel miserable. Fuck this whole thing, why of all people was it him who was there when Bennet got himself killed? Nobody else deserved to be there but surely it could have happened whilst he was alone. With an inhale he reigned himself in. Now was not the time for self pity, he didn’t get through life by blaming other people for his problems. It didn't matter who deserved what, it was happening now. 

The minutes kept on trickling by, and soon enough Jay wasn’t even sure how long he had been waiting for. Perhaps this was some kind of torture that they were doing now. If he wasn’t before, he was definitely in comedown now, based on the sweat that had broken out across his prickling skin. He knew he had a few in his pocket, but taking them in a police station was probably the worst idea in the world so he resisted the urge for now. The early stages of withdrawal were preferable to the boredom at any rate. Vince would be furious if he found out, Jay would have to come up with some excuse when he got back. If word got out that the cops had got him Jay would be ruined. He could always reopen some of the wounds Bennet gave him, that would buy him some more time, but it would increase the risk of infection. Speaking of the wounds, they were starting to flare up again now that the high was wearing off. 

Finally, the door was opened again. It was Alvin who came in this time, and Jay was almost relieved to have a slightly familiar face. If nothing else he was glad it wasn't the ginger guy.  
“How long are you gonna keep me in here for? You can't force me to stay here when there's no charges! You haven’t even told me whether I'm under arrest.`` He couldn’t help himself from asking, he would have preferred to look a little tougher but sometimes you have to make do. Alvin sat down across from him, and, to Jay’s surprise, uncuffed him. He looked at the older man questioningly. 

“You’re free to go. You're right, we can't force you to stay here” Jay rubbed his sore wrists. “We were hoping that you would be able to tell us more about the guy who killed Bennet, but Erin says you don’t know and I believe her. Whoever this is is just gonna keep on killing until we can catch him and that's that.”  
“Seriously? ‘That's that’? I thought you were the people who were meant to help, to save people? I mean I get that Bennet deserved it but I thought your friend was all ‘Chicago isn’t safe until he’s caught’. Nobody cares about people like me, I bet if the guy had come into the bathroom I would be dead too. I lived through pure luck, and maybe I shouldn’t have but I did, but how long before one of mine isn’t so lucky?” Alvin gave a distant shrug.  
“We can't do anything about it without information.” Jay balked.  
“I’ve been asked one question about what happened whilst I’ve been here. One. I didn’t see shit but if you told me what you were looking for I might be able to help.” Jay felt almost desperate, the drugs wearing off must really be doing a number on him.  
“You'll have to forgive us for not taking the word of a junkie prostitute as gospel.” There it is. 

“Look, you probably see a hundred Junkie prostitutes like me so if you think anything I have to say is worthless then you're probably right. I don’t know why you arrested me then, I'm guessing you have some kind of box to check and then you can move on to the next poor sod who crosses your path. But you don’t know anything about me. I was in the army for years and when I wasn’t useful to them anymore they spit me out and left me to die on the street, so now all I am is a junkie prostitute.” Jay was surprised by the intensity of his feelings, he realised that perhaps he had some things he needed to work through. Alvin seemed decidedly neutral on the matter. “The last time Bennet came by the casino, he murdered one of my friends. A real good kid, his name was Jake Archer, his parents kicked him out for being gay so he came to us. He had issues, but man he had a future too, if you saw his drawings you would have thought Da Vinci had been reborn. The last time I saw him, I spent two hours peeling him off the floor after Bennet had his fun. Nobody said a word about that, not one officer so much as gave us a second look, but now someone finally gives Bennet what he deserves, it takes two days for you to come sniffing around. The Jake’s of the world deserve better, better than dying alone and scared and nobody even cares.” Jay wiped away the tear that had slipped out, hoping that nobody noticed. “But it doesn’t matter if you’re a junkie prostitute.”

Alvin was expressionless for a while, before he stood up, gesturing for Jay to follow him. Jay still wasn’t sure what this man wanted from him, but he was glad to finally be moving again rather than staying in that disgusting room. As he walked out into the bullpen, he was met by that Ruzek guy again. The man actually looked apologetic.  
“Hey man I'm sorry about earlier.” Jay considered this for a moment, before he patted the man on the back.  
“It’s alright bro, I get it you thought I was a murderer or something.” Voight was across the other side of the room, the latino man from earlier was whispering something to him. Erin sat at what was presumably her desk, watching him with interest, something which Jay imagined he probably replicated. Next to Erin Jay could see his face plastered on a whiteboard, along with some of his basic information. Nice to see that they were so organised, they even got his unit right. 

The latino man walked over to him with sure steps, and offered a handshake, which Jay accepted.  
“Hey, it's Jay right? I’m Antonio, you’ve already met Alvin, Erin, Adam, and Sergeant Voight.” He gestured to each person in turn. “I’m sorry about the inconvenience, I hope we can move forward.” He looked sheepish for a moment. “We actually have a proposal for you.” Jay groaned inwardly, of course there was some kind of a catch for his release. This time it was Erin who spoke.  
“We heard your speech, and you’re right. The police have... overlooked a lot of these things lately, when it is those people who need us the most. We want to change that. You said that you know things that could be useful to us, and we want to help.” Huh, well that was interesting. Despite everything, Jay believed her. 

“If you agree to help us, then we can help the Jake’s of the world.” Voight sounded sincere. “I know it's a big thing to ask, you’ll be kept safe and your people will be left alone, we have no beef with them. All we want is to stop the Bennet’s of the world.” Jay considered the proposal.  
“How are you going to do that?”  
“You become a CI. All you have to do is give us the word when you get something, and we can take it from there.”  
“And what do I get from this?”  
“We put you on pay, plus it's great for your CV.” Jay snorted. He was tempted, he had to admit, he could use the money and if he could help protect his own then surely it would be worth it. It would put him at risk but what was his life worth when compared to all those people he could help? He thought about Ivy, how she wept when she helped her girls clean up after a particularly rough client. He thought about the look on Pete’s face when he saw the dead body of one of their youngest girls, her only crime being to say no. He thought about the hatred for Bennet that had never eased, no matter how much he denied it. Voight was standing in front of him now, holding his gaze evenly. 

“So, do we have a deal?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the boring parts, I needed to introduce everyone and get the ball rolling, hopefully it will be more exciting in the future.  
> Im doing this for fun but I would really like to improve, if there something that I could do better I would really appreciate it if you could let me know in the comments!


	3. The value of honesty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jay ends up in hospital, and Voight has a proposal.

A double life, as it turns out, is much harder than the stories make it out to be. Now if you want to understand life at the casino, first you need to know a little more about Vince, the man behind the empire. 

Vince was a man of secrets, and that was probably the only thing that you could know about him for sure. He was mixed race, with ice blue eyes and short, carefully trimmed hair. When Jay first met him, all he could see was some kind of angel on earth, the one person on earth who saw anything in him. He had high expectations of his people, but perhaps that was deserved, after all he was the one who pulled them from the streets and gave them a place to live. They had access to food and water, actual working heating, good god they even had someone who cared whether they came home at the end of the day. The work could be hard and painful, but he was better than most in the area, providing regular testing for any afflictions. You didn’t tend to handle the money yourself, but Vince always gave his workers an allowance, not much but enough to get the occasional gift. More than anything, people knew him, and nobody messed with one of Vince’s crew. He was a god among men. 

His casino, as such, was the pinnacle of high society prostitution. Good quality produce came at a price of course, and there were consequences for breaking Vince’s things, but if you were willing to follow the rules and pay the right price you were in for a good night. It was a bustling place, with bright lights and the condescending chime of the most up to date machines, filled with the overpowering scent of sweat and broken dreams. For most, the games were enough to keep them content, but for the more special visitors, they could take as much as they could afford. 

As in any business, there are the bestsellers, and Jay took pride in being one of Vince’s most trusted employees. The popular ones such as himself would have as few as five clients on good days, as well as the best rooms. Jay’s room was a single, with a plush double bed and resplendent gold trims complimenting the white walls, matching the elegant white dresser and neat wooden floors. Jay always preferred when his clients decided to take him to their place, saved effort on the cleanup for him. Personal effects were requested to be kept at a minimum, so Jay kept his toy rabbit in a cardboard box hidden under the wardrobe panels. It was the one part of his past that he cared to remember. His dog tags had almost joined it prior to Vince realising that for some of the guests it was a real hit, they loved a man in uniform. 

After his meeting with the intelligence unit, Jay had taken to hiding the burner phone in the box with his rabbit. It was harder than he expected, after all some of the most wanted were his best customers. Too many links back to the casino were a surefire way to get himself killed, so he made sure to never make contact until several days after a visit. Even then, it was only the worst that would get called in. Needless to say, he didn’t speak to them much. 

In a twist of fate, it was actually Erin who made the first contact. It had been roughly a month or so since they first met, Jay lost track of exact dates after Vince made it clear that his strange disappearance had not gone unnoticed. He needed to make up for the lost time after all. When he was able to slip away to the park they agreed on, he brushed off her concern about his tiredness and bruises. Ultimately, he gave her as much as he could. He didn’t dare give too much away, after all Vince prided himself on his team's loyalty. 

For a while there, things were working out pretty smoothly, but as life always does, Jay hit a rough patch. It all started with Mrs Angelina Jones. Mrs Jones was a favorite of the casino, she never treated any of the whores poorly and never had an unkind word for anyone. She was one of the rare ones who didn’t have any horrible fetishes, only ever renting when her husband was away. Jay couldn’t say he blamed her, he had seen the black eyes she hid with her foundation, the way her mascara left streaks down her dark skin whenever he had been back for a while. 

Jay had been the one to service her on the day that her husband finally found out and decided that it was his fault. He didn’t know whether Mr Jones knew it was him or whether it was just by chance, but he had attacked Jay when he was on a visit to the corner shop. It happened so fast that Jay barely realised what was happening before he was on the floor being kicked half to death, head smashed into the corner of a dumpster at the speed of sound. He didn’t know how long he was lying there for afterwards, willing his limbs to obey him. Nobody spared him a second glance, but to his fortune he had taken his phone. He could only remember one number, so with shaking hands he dialed for Erin, unsure if he even said human words when she picked up. 

When Erin and Voight arrived they barely said a word, mindful of Jay’s very likely concussion. Jay didn’t know why he called them of all people, perhaps he was worried that Vince would be angry at him again, but he was relieved when the pair gently eased him into a car. He could barely stay conscious for the journey, but he soon arrived at the irritatingly white lights of the hospital. He hadn't expected them to take him there but he supposed he shouldn't be surprised, they were the ‘good guys’ in theory. The doctors merged together into a haze, and before he knew it, everything went dark. 

Jay awoke with a start, it was one of the rarer nightmares he had where Mouse was stabbing him for being a failure, but it was always nice to reconnect with a friend. He jerked his wrists when he noticed the soft restraints were on, and let out an exhausted moan. His heart raced as his gaze flitted around as much of the room as he could see, landing eventually on a familiar face.   
“Erin?” Her head snapped up from the book she was reading.   
“Oh, you’re awake.” She was a good actor, she almost looked like she was actually happy about that. “We were worried for a moment.”  
“Ah, it's all a part of my charm,” he shifted slightly, trying to avoid one of the springs that was digging into his spine. “Thanks for saving me.” He meant it genuinely, nobody had cared enough to save him for a long time.   
“Of course,” she rubbed a hand on his wrist, “Sorry about the restraints, Will was worried you would hurt yourself.” Jay almost got whiplash from the double take he did. 

“Will?” Erin looked confused.   
“Yeah, Will Reynolds, he was your main doctor.” Jay almost deflated. A big part of him was relieved, but another part cried out in agony and loneliness. He didn’t know why it still hurt, he hasn't spoken to Will in years, not since their mothers funeral. Erin looked curious, but was kind enough to not ask.   
“What happened Jay?” He considered his answer before he said it, Mouse had so often struggled with any of the sarcastic remarks and it had become a habit.   
“The husband of one of my clients. I got off easy compared to his wife, i'm sure.” Vince always says you aren't meant to fight back, the courts will always favour the rich man over them. Erin’s expression was unreadable. 

“When I was younger I did this.” She gestured to the entirety of him.   
“I’m certain I would remember that.”  
“No, I mean street work. I haven’t for a long time, but I remember it, every second. I was addicted, it seemed worth it at the time but looking back...” She paused to give him a look. “You’ll never repeat this to anyone.” Jay mimicked closing his lips with a zip. “How long are you going to do this for? How many times are you going to ‘get off easy’?”   
“I don’t have any other choice.” The tears were back. “I was alone before this, I was starving on the streets and he gave me a home. I owe him so much more than this. And even if I didn’t, it's not like I have a lot of options.” He sighed. “I don’t have any money, I'm a drug addict, i'm a prostitute, I have to check my door 15 times before I can go to bed.” Erin looked wounded.   
“We want to help you Jay.”  
“I’ve seen what police help looks like for someone like me. Did you know I tried to join the police after I got home?” Her eyebrows raised. “The guy I spoke to, Jenkins or something like that, he made me feel worse than any client ever could. I needed help and he couldn’t be bothered to look up from his phone.” He couldn’t hold back his sob. “At least the clients give a fuck about my existence.” 

With that, he looked away, making it clear that he didn’t plan on saying any more on the matter. Erin seemed to understand, giving him a final pat on the shoulder before leaving, mentioning that she needed to go talk to the doctors. Once she was out of the room, Jay managed to shuffle the restraints off, relieved that whoever had put them on was clearly a first timer. He hesitated before he swung his legs over the side of the bed, having to lie back down again when he nearly vomited. Alright, head injury, check. With further assessment, he also figured he had at least bruised his ribs. Mr Jones had been kind enough to leave his legs and arms alone aside from two broken fingers, so he supposed it could be worse. He could still work like this, he just needed to figure out how he was going to get back home. He didn’t have money for the bus, and he recognised the Chicago Med logo on the door, so he was a few miles from home. 

He almost let out a scream when he realised that a person was at the door, a larger man donned in scrubs. He raised a hand apologetically, introducing himself as doctor Charles, the head of the psychology department. Jay had met a few of these in his time, quickly making his way through the usual script. Blah blah blah not suicidal, then he can go. He forced himself to smile at the man. 

“Pleasure to meet you Doctor, how can I-?” A sharp pain in his eye stopped him mid sentence, and he let out a surprised cry. The doctor was by his side in a heartbeat, inconveniently he was on his blind side. A hand landed on his shoulder, and in a half-blind moment of panic he slapped it away, the pain lancing across his face and making his good eye water. His heart rate skyrocketed when the smell of desert sand filled his nose, confused with the arid scent of decaying flesh. He struggled to sit up but the pain only got worse, when he flinched away it followed him. Alarms were blaring in the background, making his head ache, or maybe that was the sudden lack of air in the room. He had to get the shrapnel out of his eye right now, clawing frantically at his face. The pain was so scalding and so familiar that it made him want to wail like he would have as a kid, but he forced it back down. 

A sharp pinch in his arm drew his attention, and he tried to pull away but whatever was holding him there didn’t give. Jay thought he might be shouting, but the sound of gunfire made his ears ring. The trembling ground under him began to steady, and he felt his eyes begin to droop. Terror tried to raise its ugly head but there was something holding it back, the brunet suspected that he might be dying, the bomb must have injured him more than he expected. The world grew darker and darker, until finally he submitted. 

The second time Jay woke up, he was starting to get sick of only knowing about 20 percent of what was happening. He wasn’t restrained this time, which was a pleasant surprise. A quick touch confirmed that there was a bandage wrapped around his head, a soft patch covering his eye, or the remnant of it. Jay didn’t mean to probe further but he could sense that it wasn’t actually in his face anymore. Distantly he wondered where they had put it. The thing that demanded much more attention was his sudden need to vomit, and fortunately whoever was with him was ready with the bucket. It was unpleasant business and he was glad when it was over. 

Making a fast assessment of his symptoms, Jay figured that he must be going into withdrawal. Vince sometimes liked to remind them of why they needed him by reducing their intake, so Jay was oddly familiar with the sensation. The nausea was a heavy stone within his stomach, and sweat was beginning to develop on his skin. He was only in the early stages, he needed to get out now. 

“Don’t even think about it.” Jay had forgotten that Voight was involved in this whole mess. The man in question was standing rather ominously beside him, having been so kind as to dispose of the bucket.   
“I’m not doing anything!”   
“I know that look, you’re thinking about how you’re gonna get out of here.”  
“Alright maybe I was doing something.” Voight’s expression didn’t change, and for a moment Jay was unsure whether he had hallucinated the man moving. “What’s it to you anyway? I appreciate you coming and saving my ass but you don’t have to be here for this.” His eyes softened.  
“I've seen a lot of people like you in my time, and I know you aren't one of the bad ones.”  
“How can you possibly know that? I haven't done shit for you, the only person I care about is me.”  
“Erin trusts you, and you wouldn’t have called her if you didn’t feel the same. She told me about how you stay up at night when your friends at the casino have had ‘rough clients’, nobody who only cares about themselves does that.” If he weren't already developing a fever Jay was sure he would have felt warm. 

They stayed there in uncomfortable silence for a moment.   
“What do you want from me? If you need a fuck before you can let me go then I can do that, I owe you for saving me. I do have some tearing at the moment but I-” Voight cut him off.   
“I do not want to have sex with you Jay, I want to help you get clean.”  
“I shower everyday.”  
“Don’t you start with me.”  
“Sorry, I start when I'm confused.”  
“I heard you get flashbacks too. Afghanistan. Is that how you lost the eye?”  
“Yeah, it was a long time ago now.” Jay’s voice was raspier now, probably from the withdrawal. “What happened with that anyway?” Voight grabbed the medical file from the bottom of his bed.   
“Apparently it had gotten shattered, probably when you got hit by Jones.” How Voight had figured out who it was was beyond him, but he didn’t feel it was appropriate to ask. His face grew more sincere. “Jay, do you want to get clean? We can't help you unless you want it too.”

Jay had never been asked that before. Even prior to the addiction, Jay had not been asked, they only cared to make sure he didn’t complain about the pain. What happened to him after was none of their concern. Did he want to get clean? Another wave of nausea made him feel like he didn’t. Voight seemed to sense this.   
“I'll give you some time to think about it, but if I come back in here and you're not here? The deal is off the table.” Jay thought about Vince, what would he say about it? He couldn’t imagine staying in the casino if he wasn’t using, Ivy told him stories about the girl who tried to quit and walked around with dead eyes until her body caught up with them. He wasn’t naive, he knew that Vince had his own agenda, but Ivy had been a mother to so many of them, she would never lie. 

He didn’t get to think for too long before nature summoned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter, any constructive criticism is welcomed, I would really love to improve my writing. I've never been in withdrawal so the symptoms Jay has are based off what I found looking it up. I'm planning on looking a bit more into Jay's mental state in the future.


	4. Injustice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a shorter chapter this time, my apologies.

Jay had been genuinely considering Voight’s offer. This would probably be the best chance that he would have if he really wanted to give it a go. He imagined what his life had been like before he had started. It wasn’t perfect, but he had Mouse. 

He couldn’t help but feel like he had betrayed the man when he left, sneaking out in the middle of the night when he was too scared to be a burden anymore. Mouse had found out about the drugs and was so sure that he would be able to help, but empathy had never been his strong point. Jay still heard the lectures that he would get about the dangers of what he was doing, about how stupid he was being. It was a kind gesture but not the thing he needed to hear. 

Jay’s heart clenched. If he got in good with Voight, there was a chance he could convince the man to help him find Mouse again. 

But then there was Vince. Jay knew that Vince would be alright with him trying to get clean, in theory. It would save him money at first, and nobody who worked with him ever stayed sober. They didn’t stand a chance in the casino, not with heroin and cocaine around every corner. The bigger issue would be in missing several days of work. Jay was already going to have to make up for the hospital time, working off his ass to make up for the bills. He hadn't forgotten Cassidy. 

Cass was one of the first people to show him kindness in the casino. The others were decent enough but everyone had their own issues, there wasn’t much time for friends. It was on his third day when he had a client who was into some of the weirder stuff, and after she was done he went back to his room and silently wept. Cass had comforted him that night, and he was relieved that he had been able to do the same before she died. When she got badly beaten and was in the hospital for three days, she took over 20 clients a day. It hadn’t been long before one of her wounds got infected, Jay still heard her whimpering in his nightmares. 

As close as he could tell, Jay had been in the hospital for no more than 24 hours. His options, as far as he could see, were to go home now, or trust Voight and hope that Vince never found him. Vince may be lenient but he didn’t take kindly to his property going missing. He wasn’t sure he trusted Voight enough to do that yet. 

Ultimately, his decision was made for him. He didn’t have much with him when he was saved, and he was pretty sure that his clothes had been destroyed when he came in, so packing to leave was delightfully easy. He was just about to sneak out the door when the man he least expected to see walked in. 

Will’s hair was longer than he remembered, and he looked older. Some of the energy was gone but that cheeky glint had remained. He was a grown up now. 

They stared at each other for a moment, neither saying anything, neither moving. It was as if time itself had frozen, and yet Jay could hear the clock ticking away. It probably would have been quite amusing to walk in on. Will opened his mouth to speak a few times but no words came out, and eventually Jay decided to break the silence. 

“It’s been a while.” Will nodded robotically, unblinking and stiff.   
“It has.” They lapsed back into silence. Jay wondered for a moment whether his increased heartbeat and sweating was from withdrawal before he remembered that he had taken some pills. His heart dropped. When had he done that? Where did he even get them from?

On the positive side, and Jay was ever the optimist, whatever high he was on made things easier. Will looked far more uncomfortable, the animatronic movements had been dropped in favour of shifting from one leg to another. Jay didn’t think he had ever seen his brother so nervous. 

“I thought you were in New York?” He knew otherwise but the question itself didn’t really matter. Jay needed to know whether Will was actually here.   
“I was, I moved back a while ago. I spoke to dad and he said he hadn't seen you in a few years.” Will clearly had more to say but Jay didn’t know if he wanted to hear it.   
“Oh is that what he said?” That certainly sounds about right. “Yeah it’s been a while.”

Will shifted again, and finally the barrier seemed to break.   
“So where have you been?” Jay almost laughed. His perfect brother, the one who got up one day and left without a word, wanted to know where he had been.   
“Here and there.”  
“Are you still in the army?”   
“Nah.”  
“Are you high?”   
“Yeah, probably.” Will actually had it in him to look shocked, and if Jay wasn’t missing something, he looked concerned. 

Will couldn’t know anything past Jay leaving for the army again after their mother died. Jay had gone no contact with his father after that and he could only hope that nobody told him about the whole casino and drug addict situation he had going on. It would certainly make things more complicated. 

“What did you take? Who's your doctor, I can't believe nobody told me that you were here.” Jay balked.   
“You’re not an emergency contact,” and with slightly more venom, “you're barely even a brother.” Will flinched but he didn’t answer back.   
“I know I know I just... “ He trailed off. 

Jay took the opportunity to interrupt.  
“I’m not staying here. It’s great to see you and all but I have to get back to work.” Will was appalled.   
“You were beaten up! In case you haven’t noticed you’ve got a pretty intense black eye, your only eye, and I don’t think I even want to know what's going on under your clothes.” 

To be entirely fair Jay had not actually noticed, he had barely had the time to look in a mirror since he got here. Ever since he could stand up he had been on a mission to get out before anyone, especially that Voight guy, could stop him. 

“It’s fine.”  
“No it… whatever, I spoke to Voight. He didn’t tell me much but he said he could get you into rehab, we can help you get your life back.”  
“What life?” Jay was irritated that his voice cracked. “Voight was wrong, there's nothing to get back and it would be a mistake to try. It’s sweet that you came down here and all, but i'm fine.” There was more he wanted to say but he couldn’t do it here, not now. 

Will was silent, and Jay took the opportunity to grab what little he could and made for the door. He was almost out when doctor Charles made an almost comically timed reappearance. Jay stumbled back to avoid hitting the man. 

“Jay, good to see you again. Is it alright if I call you Jay? We didn’t get to talk earlier, I was hoping you had a moment.” Will looked sheepish and Jay gave him as much of a glare as he could muster. That was so typical of his brother, always butting in when he wasn’t needed and vanishing when he was. 

“That's kind of you doctor but I have to go.” Charles blocked his path.   
“I understand, and you can, but I need to know that you are safe first.” Jay rolled his eyes, exasperated.   
“As I just told Will, I’m fine.” Charles gave a small gesture to Will and his older brother left the room without so much as a goodbye. Charles led them to the edge of the bed and urged Jay to sit, and unwilling to make any waves Jay obeyed. 

“Sorry to kick your brother out, I thought it might be easier to have a conversation with just the two of us.” Jay shook his head quickly.   
“He’s not my brother, not really.” Charles gave a passive nod, eyes sparking with interest.   
“Okay.” The larger man looked comfortable, Jay could tell that he was used to doing this. “I have a few questions before you go. Where are you headed?”

His voice was relaxed, and he sounded genuinely interested. In his time Jay had met a few of these ‘psychologists’, most of them just did the bare minimum to avoid being sued, but there was the odd rare one who was able to feign compassion. 

“I live downtown,” Jay gestured vaguely in the direction of the casino. He hoped that Charles would skip the pleasantries, he had places to be after all. If he made it back in an hour or so he could probably get away with a regular workload. 

“I see. How's the eye?” Jay had almost forgotten about that. It didn’t hurt much at all which was a relief.   
“It's alright, I have a spare at home.” When Charles didn’t speak he elaborated. “I accidentally broke one before, I thought it was worth thinking ahead.”  
“Those don’t tend to break very easily, I was surprised to hear it happened today.”  
“My job can be a bit risky,” he chuckled awkwardly.

Charles nodded sagely.   
“Where do you work?”  
“Oh it's a public relations job, nothing special.” With a flicker of panic he realised that ‘public relations’ wasn’t a good explanation for a broken glass eye. “I do some building on the side, clumsy and all that.” He couldn’t tell if it worked. 

Needing to get this conversation done, he butted in before Charles could speak again.   
“Can’t you get most of this from like, medical files or something?”  
“I prefer to speak to my patients directly.”  
“I’m not a patient.”  
“Of course, sorry.” The older man spoke gently. “I hear you used to be in the army?”

Jay wondered how much Will had actually been able to remember, it's not like he was there to say goodbye or meet him at the airport. Since day one it had been Jay and Mouse, he didn’t need a big brother now. 

“Yeah, rangers, I did two tours in Afghanistan. And before you ask, yes it was a medical discharge cause of the eye thing.” Charles blinked in what Jay thought might be surprise.   
“I'm sorry to hear that. Was Will there when you got back?”  
“God no, he wasn’t there before I left. I got a flat with one of my ranger buddies.”  
“Ok, are you still living there?”  
“No, but I have a place.” Jay was starting to feel slightly pressured under the questions. To his relief, Charles seemed content with his answer. 

Of course, in typical doctor fashion he wasn’t content for long.   
“As I said I prefer to hear it from you about what has happened, but I did check through your file before I came here. You’ve been to a lot of hospitals in a lot of places.” Jay felt a spark of anger. 

“I'm not trying to get drugs.” Charles put up a hand placatingly.   
“I know, don’t worry I know. You have had some very serious injuries when you come in, that's what I'm worried about. Clumsy or no, you shouldn’t have been in a hospital as much as you have. You’re what, 26 or 27? That's a lot of trauma to put your body through.” His voice was calm, but the corners of his eyes were crinkled with worry. “If you are in a bad situation, if someone is hurting you, then there are places that can help. I overheard Voight talking about a rehab centre earlier and in my medical opinion I believe that it is in your best interests to go.” He took Jay’s medical clipboard from the end of the bed. “There were some slight arrhythmias in your heart. Nothing to worry about right now, but if you keep doing what you are doing it could become a very serious problem.” 

Jay bit his lip. He hated what he had become, he hated his existence and waking up each day, he hated getting vile client after vile client, he hated being so dependent on drugs that he couldn’t bear to leave a man who he knew didn’t care for him, and for what? Loyalty? A need to be seen? But did he really want to die? 

A few months ago that answer would have been easy. His existence was pain, but now, as slim as it might be, there was hope. He had people that actually, despite everything, wanted to help him. 

“I don’t want to die.” Jay was embarrassed to hear his voice crack, but Charles didn’t react to it. He remained perfectly still and patient. “I just… I don’t know what to do. I can't go anywhere, and I don’t have anyone. I mean, there's Voight and Erin but I don’t know what they want from me as a reward.”  
“I don’t know Voight that well, but I do know he doesn’t help people for a reward. If he wants to help you, then it's because he believes that you are worth saving.” Jay let out a low chuckle.   
“Nobody does that for free.”

The pair were silent for a moment, before Jay was able to speak again.   
“I have a friend who is in a situation like that. You said there's people who can help, what would you do?” It was an obvious lie but Charles seemed willing to play ball.   
“Well that depends, what situation is your friend in?”

“He was in the army too, gets like, flashbacks and stuff so can’t get a job. He got taken off the street by a guy who gives him food and drugs and an apartment, so long as he does ‘favours’ for clients. He told me that he wants to leave but is worried that the guy will find him, and he doesn’t feel like he can go anywhere because who’s gonna hire him.” 

“Alright, let me think. I would probably suggest that you tell your friend that we can get him in touch with a charity that specialises in getting people out of situations like his. I can talk to Voight, if he would like, to see what we can do about making sure he doesn’t get found.” 

“What if he has friends who might get hurt if he left?”

“Well we could look into getting them to a safer place too. Perhaps if you could ask your friend for a little more information we could look into taking down this guy.” Jay was unconvinced, he had known Vince for a while and he didn’t think it would be so simple. 

“What if he doesn’t want the guy to get into trouble. I mean he’s only alive because of him.”

“Well that would make things a little more complicated, but there is always a way around it. If nothing else, can I perhaps convince you to have a look at the options. I know Voight can be quite… abrupt, but I think i can get him to make these things a bit clearer.” Jay nodded absentmindedly, and Charles gave him a gentle pat on the shoulder. “I'll go get him, just stay here for a moment.” 

Jay considered his options again. He had to admit that the idea of getting his life back, maybe even actually making something of it, was appealing. Then he thought about the emotions, the experiences he had pushed so far down that only sobriety could drag them back up. 

He always found that for as long as he was high, nothing bad seemed to touch him. At the very least it never seemed as bad. He knew from experience he was still afraid, of Bennet, of Voight, of Vince, how incense would that terror be without a dampener. 

Oddly, it was Erin who came into his room next. She was much prettier and funnier than most, so he was glad to see her, certainly he preferred her over Voight. Silver fox or not than man was terrifying. Her hair caught the sunlight, and Jay hoped he never had to look away. She observed him for a moment. 

“You’re high again.”  
“Yep.”  
“Where did you-”  
“I truly can't remember which isn’t great but, y’know, what can you do?” She looked mildly amused. Jay waited for her to start criticising him but she seemed content in the silent. 

Eventually she made her way over to the bed, making herself comfortable next to him. She didn’t make eye contact with him, preferring to gaze into the distance as she spoke again. 

“When I was still addicted, I thought there was going to be no way out. I didn’t have anyone, or nobody really mattered to me. I couldn’t really bring myself to put the effort in to like anyone, I didn’t like myself if I'm honest with you. When Voight showed up, I was in the prostitution game too. Not quite as formal as yours, more just to make ends meet. He could have left me there, but he said he “saw something good in me”. He took me back to his home. I don’t know why I agreed at the time, I could have been killed but it didn’t matter anymore.” She finally looked at him again, with golden-brown eyes as beautiful as the rest of her. 

“I was so scared that all the bad things I did would come back. I imagined them waiting behind the veil, just waiting to grab me and destroy me.” Jay swallowed. 

“How did you bear it?” She bit her lip, pondering the question for a moment. 

“I had people to help me. I hated them for it, I hated what I was going through because of them, but it was all worth it. Truthfully, getting out of that… that hole was the hardest thing I had ever done. It got more and more unbearable until I couldn’t stand it anymore, and then it kept going.”

She smiled at him faintly. “I would do it again in a heartbeat, because what I have now? It's better than any high could ever have been.”

Now it was Jay’s turn to think. 

“I don’t think I have anyone to help me. I… everyone I care about has either left me or I left them. Unless you count some of the people where I work but I don’t know whether we are friends. I mean we get along alright, we can understand each other in ways that nobody else could ever imagine, but if something bad doesn’t happen to you it happens to them. We can only be happy at each other's expense. But that is the way it needs to be, there have been kinder people there but they never last long.” Erin nodded, and Jay almost teared up at the sheer kindness of it all, the compassion for his situation. She wasn’t judging him. 

“Jay, we can't force you to go into rehab. It’s scary, it’s hard, I will understand if you can't do it. But if you do, I will be here for you afterwards. You are a good person, you deserve better than you’ve gotten. If you do it, we can give you a better life, when Voight makes a promise he will never break it.”

This time the tears actually did come.   
“I don’t know whether I will be the same person when I come back. Will Voight’s promises still apply then?”

“Even more so. And you aren't going to be a different person, you are going to be free. You won't have poison holding you back anymore. If you decide afterwards that it’s not worth doing, then fine, you can go back to the casino, you’re a free man. But at least you will have the chance.”

When Voight came in, Jay had made his choice. There were definitely things he would need to work out. Will, the Casino, Vince, hell there would be very little he wouldn’t need to change. But, and he glanced at his new friend as he thought so, it might be worth it for Erin. 

“So,” he began, “shall we get this party started?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So theres been a lot of talking in this episode, but we have rehab next so hopefully things will get a little more exciting. I apologise for the slow going, I'm pretty busy with university at the moment and there is a lot I want to cover in this fic. I will be looking into the mental illness aspects of Jay's life, I've hinted at a few disorders I hope to focus on a little more in earlier chapters. Will is going to play a more central role.


	5. The ninth level of hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They wanna make him go to rehab, and he said no no no (except he said yes).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are inaccurate but moderate descriptions of withdrawal in this fic. Also some mentions of OCD tendencies, they are only one interpretation and not accurate for every person who experiences OCD.

The rehab clinic that Jay was taken to was better than a lot of accommodations he had lived in, so that was a positive. Unfortunately, it was probably the only positive about the place. 

That's not to say that there wasn’t good being done there, but you can imagine walking into a place filled with the stench of sweat and pain, hearing groans and screams of pain and horror. Certainly it is not the nicest place in the world, and Jay half heartedly considered leaving then and there. 

The facility doubled as a mental health clinic, there were several floors separating each ‘theme’, as it were. Jay, from brief analysis, figured that the higher floors were for the longer term patients. 

On the way to his room he was shown the cafeteria, as well as a general ‘playroom’ as the nurse introduced it, filled with plush couches that faded with age. People stared at him with vacant, empty eyes. Jay didn’t pay them much attention. There was the medical area, of course, where you would pick up any necessary medications in the morning and the evening. Finally he was shown the meeting area, where you could see whatever friends and family had been willing to come. 

Erin must have seen his apprehension. She had come with him alone, per his request, he wasn’t great with big groups. She linked her arm with his and whispered comforting words. 

“It’s only for two weeks, after that we can take you somewhere more… comfortable.” Jay appreciated her optimism, but having been homeless he was sure he could survive this. Voight had assured him that here was one of the best clinics in the area, it was a little out of Chicago for his peace of mind, just in case Vince started to suspect something. 

A quick message to Ivy had assured that for the next month or so no questions would be asked. He imagined she had told Vince that after he got beaten up the cops had found him carrying and given him a short term sentence, or something similar. It didn’t eliminate the stress but it was slightly better. 

Finally the pair of them were taken to the room Jay would be staying in. It had the same white walls as the rest of the place, with an ensuite shower. The door handles and coat hangers were all slanted, but Jay supposed they needed to take precautions. 

There was a single bed in the corner of the small room, with a single window that led to a view of the car park. Jay imagined they didn’t want anyone going through the first stages of withdrawal sharing a room with anyone, and he was grateful for that. In general, he preferred to be alone when he was suffering. 

He placed his meager bag in the corner of the room. He hadn't been home since the incident, not that he had too many belongings to begin with. 

Just two weeks, he could manage two weeks easily. He had survived Alexander Bennet, he could get through this with no problems. Distracted by his thoughts he jumped when Erin called his name. 

“I’ve got to head out Jay, but I'll be back in a week. Sorry it can't be earlier but they-”  
“It’s alright, I’ll be fine.” She looked like she wanted to say more, but instead gave him a gentle hug, with his permission which he always liked being asked for, and left. 

Jay didn’t really listen to the nurse as she explained what would happen. Voight had given him a quick introduction, apparently a friend of his ran the place so they didn’t even have to pay for it. Jay reminded himself to keep that in mind when he saw the older man again, he wondered how the favour would need to be repaid. 

It basically boiled down to him going through torture whilst every now and then a nurse gave him food and water, checked he was still alive, gave him a smaller dose if necessary, and then hopefully he would come out on the other side. 

When the nurse left, Jay unpacked a few of his belongings, glad to have so little when he realised how small the space was. Nothing left to do but wait. 

\---------

On day one, Jay was feeling pretty ok. He knew the worst was still to come, but he was happy to busy himself by familiarising himself with the place. He figured out the best escape routes pretty quickly, and it didn’t take long to get the hang of the general routine of the nurses. 

By day two, things were much harder. Jay normally went for dilaudid and similar versions of morphine, but he wasn’t against vicodin when things got tough. In general he tried to avoid seeing his reflection, he knew that for as long as he still had the bandages rather than his glass eye he would feel uncomfortable every time he saw it. It was a painful reminder. 

By now the withdrawal had started to kick in. He paced his room endlessly, pushing back the urge to scream at whatever nurse had the misfortune of walking in. Every part of him was aching and drenched with sweat, but he didn’t think he could make it to the bathroom to try and wash it off. 

The vague nausea was back, which was always fun. It wasn’t too long before what little he had been able to force down his throat made a creative reentrance, leaving him trembling and panting in the bathroom, alternating between partial and full collapse on the floor. 

He was pretty sure he was aware of hitting day three, but it was all a bit of a blur. His days and nights consisted of life changing bathroom experiences and wishing for death. His skin prickled, his heart thumped in his chest until he thought he would die, and sharp pains launched at random. 

After a while, he felt like he understood what Erin had meant. He lay on the pleasantly cool bathroom floor, thinking that he would surely die, that no person could survive this. He screamed in pain and frustration, begging to gods he didn’t even believe in for it to end. He couldn’t bear it, and yet it kept going. 

Jay had no idea how long he suffered for like this, before at last he began to feel slightly better. His brain was mercifully staying back for now, letting him recover physically before it decided to torture him with memories he had long since tried to forget. 

When he was at last able to force some food down and didn’t have an immediate revisitation, he started to feel a little more human. One of the nurses informed him that it was Tuesday, he had been there for about six days. 

When he was taken to visitation, he had been able to shower and make himself look mildly presentable, despite the residual feelings of badness. Seeing Erin, she had never looked more angelic. He imagined he looked dreadful in comparison, eye sunken into pale skin, skinnier than he was before he left. 

Despite that, she smiled when she saw him and, once again asking for permission, gave him a warm and welcomed hug. Jay was distracted for much of the conversation, barely able to think, but Erin seemed okay with it, continuing to talk about whatever cases she had worked on this week. 

When Jay was taken back to his room he felt oddly empty, but he was glad to have seen her. 

\---------

The next week, while not as physically straining, was not easy. The physical symptoms had faded, replaced with a bone-deep desire to take something and haunted sleep. 

The mandatory therapy sessions were vaguely interesting, they were a break from the monotony of the day. One group, one independent. He didn’t speak much during them, other than the bare minimum, but some of the things they said were a little above corny and stereotypical. 

The patients were actually easier to get along with. One man, Halford, was almost a friend. Halford was a tall man, with a dark complexion and warm, deep eyes. His voice was low and comforting, telling poetic stories of tragedy and misfortune. 

Halford was apparently on his fifth time in the centre, having recently celebrated his fiftieth birthday. He told Jay about his parents, his friends who first pushed him to start taking, his time as a firefighter before a terrible incident left him traumatised and unable to work, leading to him using again. Izzy, his daughter came up several times, and Halford spoke of her with a wistful sadness.

Jay learned that she had been taken by her mother after a messy divorce, and ever since Halford had been trying desperately to recover. 

“I would do anything for her. My wife… well she tried, she tried so hard to help me but I couldn’t bear the memories. Half of my unit was killed, my family, I don’t know how anyone is meant to survive that.” 

Jay’s heart would clench with sympathy, he was no stranger to grief. They could bond over their shared memories and heartache, and Jay found himself greatly missing the man when Halford was able to leave at last. He couldn’t think of anyone who deserved happiness more than the gentle man, and he was sad they would likely never see each other again. 

The memories were harder when he was alone. The smell of decay echoed in his dreams, the corner of a gun in the corner of his vision. His least favorite was probably the sounds, half the time he couldn’t tell whether he had imagined the screams or if they were actually there. 

Needless to say, it was a relief when he was brought before the head of the department to assess whether he was ready to leave. 

\---------

Erin was the one to meet him when he came out, just as she had promised. Jay almost sobbed with relief when they were able to hug properly. Even if they hadn't known each other for long, she was probably the closest friend he actually had. 

On the journey back to Chicago, he listened intently to every word about what had happened whilst he was away. 

“Voight was so angry at Ruzek, I don’t think I’ve seen him like that since Justin.” her laughter was like a bell ringing, eyes glittering with fondness. Jay found himself laughing at the story too. It certainly sounded like the Ruzek he met. 

When there was a lull, Jay knew he had to ask. 

“What’s been going on with the casino?”  
“Not a lot, we’ve been keeping a closer eye on the place but as far as we can tell, it's been business as usual.” Jay mummed softly. 

The idea of going back to the casino made him feel sick. The memories of what he had done there were more vivid than ever when he allowed them in. despite that, he found he missed the place. It had been his home for just over two years, and even if he didn’t necessarily have friends there he did care for the people. 

Erin was fixated on the road, her gaze flickering to meet his every now and then. Her fingers twitched lightly against the steering wheel. 

“What are you not telling me?” She bit her lip again, and Jay let out a sigh of exasperation. “Erin, come on. I can tell something’s bothering you.” She considered this for a moment before she finally spoke. 

“Another person has been killed, Hartley Marshall.” Jay nodded, trying to think if he knew that name from somewhere, it felt vaguely familiar. “If you’re wondering whether you know him, then you probably do. He spent a lot of time with prostitutes, preferred them on the young side, security cams found him going into the casino a fair few times.”

Now Jay remembered. Hartley Marshall was a lot like Alexander Bennet, in fact Jay was sure he had seen them together multiple times. Hartley had been a menace to the girls at the casino, mercifully for Jay he didn’t have much interest in men. If he remembered correctly, Cassidy had been one of his favorites. She rarely spoke of what happened after the sessions with him, but Jay had spent a few nights soothing the wounds he left her with while she mutely cried into her pillow. 

He had been the last person to be with Cassidy before she had gotten that infection, he never really cared for their safety. 

After Cass was gone he moved onto the newest girl, Kira had barely looked like she could be sixteen, but she insisted she was 18. One day he had taken her out and she had never returned. 

He stayed silent, and that seemed to let Erin know all she needed to.   
“I thought you might know him. He took one of the women from the casino out, and the next thing we know we have a call from a hotel worker saying they found a body. He was shot several times, according to the woman, Judy, he was very stressed when he heard the knock at the door. Sound familiar?”

Jay's heart lurched at the memory of what happened to Bennet. Poor Judy having to go through that, they had never been close but nobody deserved to go through that. 

“So whoever killed Bennet, they're back then?” Erin nodded. Jay couldn’t make himself feel concerned, as far as he was concerned the less people like Hartley in the world, the better. 

\---------

They had changed the subject after that, eventually drawing up outside an apartment. Erin led the way up the stairs, taking him into a stylish apartment. Jay admired the pictures on the small countertop, of Voight and Erin together, Erin with the rest of the team, Erin as a child with a young man that shared features with Voight. Presumably that must be Justin. 

Jay couldn’t help but wonder why he was here, before a knock at the door resonated within the building. With a click, the door opened and in came Voight. The man looked a little softer than he had before, Jay chalked it up to Erin being there. There was a fatherly warmth about him, not that Jay would recognise that. 

Erin guided Jay and Voight to the couch, so that Jay was on the same one as Erin and across from Voight. He wondered whether she did that intentionally, it was a kind gesture. 

Voight seemed to be analysing him before the broke out into a smile.   
“It’s good to see you Jay, how are you feeling?”

“Uhh… pretty good actually, it’s nice to be out.” He panicked a moment after saying it. “Not that I don’t appreciate it, I just mean-” Voight cut him off, chuckling slightly. 

“You’re fine Jay, nobody likes rehab. You did well kid.” His praise lit a warmth inside him, and Jay hoped he didn’t look too happy about it. 

He looked at the clock on the wall, it was 8pm now. He wondered where he would be staying, hesitant to leave the nice apartment for whatever bridge he could find. Erin seemed to notice his concern again. 

“Jay, we aren't about to kick you out.” Her tone was light and teasing. “We put too much effort in for that.” Jay blinked gratefully. 

“So… what's the plan then?” He asked.

It was Voight who answered this time. 

“Well that’s up to you really. You can come back to my place, you can stay here with Erin, or you can go to Will’s, he offered to help.” Jay didn’t know how to feel about any of that. 

“Shouldn't I go to like… a hotel or something? And I’m sorry did you say Will? As in Will Halstead?” Voight nodded at the latter question. 

“You only just got out of rehab, I’m not about to let you out onto the street to do whatever you want. Don’t think I don’t know how addiction works.” Jay made a mental note of how Voight hadn’t said “addicts”, he was separating the addiction from the person. That's the sort of thing his therapist told him to keep an eye out for. 

He thought for a moment. Will was not an option, not yet at any rate. He didn’t know whether he wanted to rekindle their relationship, not after Will had left him and dad to deal with their mother, not after he abandoned Jay to hell when he got home. He didn’t even call. 

Erin was the obvious choice, they got on much better at any rate. The idea of being in Voight’s house made him anxious, he was pretty sure Voight would secretly lead him to a shallow grave. He pushed down the desire to go home, he knew that he couldn’t yet. 

“If it’s not too much trouble can I stay here? I don’t want to impose or anything.” To his relief Erin smiled at him. 

“I’ll set up the couch.” She vanished into what Jay assumed was the bedroom. There were only two rooms leading off from the main apartment. He realised he was alone with Voight. 

“You’re going to need to come into the station with Erin tomorrow, I’ve pulled a few strings to get you some job interviews, in the meantime I want to see you for drug tests every week for a while. Don’t worry, it's not permanent, just until we can make sure you’re safe.”

“Why are you doing this for me? I haven’t done anything for you, I barely even know anything about you.” Voight was unmoving as ever. 

“I already told you Jay, there’s something in you that makes me believe you are going to do a lot of good. Whether you take advantage of that is up to you, I can only give you so much of a chance. I read your file, about what happened in Afghanistan, about the increase in ‘workplace injuries’, and yet you still want to help people. Don’t underestimate yourself.” The older man stood up as Erin walked back into the room. “It’s been great seeing you, both of you. I have to go, but I expect you in 8am sharp.”

After the door closed Jay helped Erin organise the couch, playfully batting away her offer for him to use the bed. 

For a moment his heart thumped in his chest and frantic panic jolted his body. Jay wasn’t sure what caused it, but it vanished as soon as it arrived. Nothing had changed in the apartment. Terrible images of Erin lying dead, covered in blood from a stranger breaking through the door assaulted his vision, and he hurriedly locked the door. 

Erin was watching him, he could feel it, but the discomfort was too great for him to ignore. He checked the windows too, glad to see they were bolted tightly. Inwardly he knew that he had already checked the door, but the image was back and he found himself checking again. 

He apologised to Erin as he moved, but he couldn’t find the words to describe his paranoia. Logically he knew that most of the time, when this sort of thing happened, he was being irrational. He couldn’t stop anyway. 

It never helped when someone called him out on it, as if they thought he didn’t know what he was doing was unusual. Normally they equated it to him being a control freak, a neat freak. Of course he liked to have a clean room but that was more army related than anything. This was something deeper, something stronger. 

It made him feel lost, out of control, but he needed to do it. That feeling, the one where he was so sure that people were going to die, that people would get hurt, it was unexplainable. 

Erin waited patiently for him to settle down enough to sit back down on the sofa. She didn’t seem to mind him needing to go to sleep earlier than normal, he imagined she understood how it felt to be recovering from withdrawal. 

After he sat down, he found he couldn’t relax properly. At the casino you knew not to fall asleep when someone else was there if you could help it, not unless it was one of the casino workers. That was a surefire way to get killed, or worse. 

He couldn't help feeling guilty, after everything Erin had done for him he couldn’t even trust her. After he had been invited into her home of all places. Of course, the brain didn’t listen to what you wanted to do. Erin didn’t look upset. 

“Jay, have you ever seen a therapist? I mean I know that you had to have them at rehab but I mean outside of that.” Jay shook his head. “Doctor Charles, he mentioned that you were showing symptoms of PTSD, which is understandable after everything that’s happened.I’m not a therapist but some of the things you've told me make me think OCD too.” Jay gave her a glare. 

“Look we don’t have to psychoanalyse it. I’m fine.” He tried to get the finality across in his voice, and Erin took the hint. 

“Why don’t you go to sleep, I’ll be in my room if you need me. The door has an alarm, you know the kind that beeps? I’ll be setting it so don’t think you can leave without me knowing, okay?”

Jay let out a snort. As if he would leave his angel like that. He might have issues but he wasn’t about to leave without a word, only a cruel bastard would do that.

“Is there anything I can do to help you feel calmer whilst you’re here? It's a new environment, it's perfectly fine to feel anxious.” Jay was warmed by her empathy. 

“Just… don't sneak up on me if that's okay? If you need me to wake up for any reason I would prefer it if you didn’t touch me.” He had a lot of nightmares in the clinic and the last person he wanted getting hurt was her. “I’m a pretty light sleeper so I’ll probably wake up when you come into the room.”

Erin let out a chuckle, before she passed him a bag. Jay was confused, all of the things he needed was in the bag he brought back from the clinic. When he opened it the bag contained a comfortable pair of new pajamas. Jay couldn’t find the words for a minute, and he couldn’t get anything past the lump in his throat. 

Eventually he was able to choke out a thank you, before Erin vanished into her room. He smiled at the comfortable outfit. Nobody had brought him something since Mouse, or at least not without the expectation of something in return. 

Pushing any negative thoughts away, he quickly changed before laying on the couch. It was remarkably more comfortable than the clinic, and he found himself drifting off within minutes.


End file.
